DO always listen
Talking about children’s worries and fears with them can really reduce the intensity of them.
Our goal, in talking to children, is not to try to remove the source of that fear or pretend it is not valid. Our goal is simply to demonstrate that we can understand that they are worried. Give time to actively listen, and only interrupt to get a better understanding of the situation.
By acknowledging it, we validate the child’s experience of anxiety and that helps to reduce its intensity (much along the same principle that “a problem shared is a problem halved” – which often holds true!)
DO empathise
You can also support by being very understanding and accepting of their worries. Children rarely feel reassured by adults when they don’t think we really “get” or understand how anxious they feel.
So, before you try to reassure them, really empathise with their feelings of anxiety.
That means lots of comments about how you can guess, or can imagine, or might wonder, about how scared, frightened, unsure, nervous, they feel in different situations.
DO tackle negative thoughts (Catch it, Challenge it, Change it)
Like adults, children are prone to negative thoughts. With practise these can be identified, questioned, and changed into positive, realistic ones using positive self-talk.
Catch it. In order to tackle a negative thought, children first have to be able to spot it. Help your child to create a short list of negative thoughts they have often.
Challenge it. Encourage your child to become like a detective who gathers clues to assess the evidence behind their anxious thoughts. For example, if they frequently tell themselves, “I’m stupid,” have them ask themselves, “Is it true? Am I stupid? Have there been times when I’ve shown that I’m clever?” This will teach them to not just accept every negative thought that comes into their head. Don’t rush to say, “Of course, you’re not stupid.” Not only will they not believe you, but they won’t learn how to change their negative thinking. Instead, ask, “What would you say to a friend who thought they were stupid?” When they offer a kind response, encourage them to tell themselves the same thing.
Change it. Once they are able to recognise and challenge negative self-talk, the final step is to replace it with a positive one.
DO sort worries into what can and cannot be controlled
When children are preoccupied with a specific worry, ask, “Is there anything you can do about that?” If the answer is yes, you can help them to solve the problem. But, if they are worried about things they can’t control, like the weather or someone else’s behaviour, the only thing they can control is how they respond.
Again, get them to summon their inner detective, to look for the logic of the situation. Look at the evidence and use logic to determine if they are worrying about something that will happen or that might happen..
DO use distraction
Explain that worry is like a sunflower – the more it is tended and watered, the more it grows, so the best thing to do is to starve it of attention.
Getting involved in a physical or absorbing mental activity are some simple ways to stop worry.
For example, working on a chore, running around outside, riding a bike or playing a game.
Mindfulness, whether breathing or colouring, can help push worries to the back of the mind.
DO try these tactics
Make worry wait for “worry time”. Give children a specific time of the day to worry and sit down with them to discuss their worries – if they find themselves worrying at other times , they need to try to stop and revisit at worry time. Tell other adults in contact with the child about worry time, so they know not to discuss worries outside of the specified time.
Put worry in a “worry box”. Ask the child to write down what is worrying them on a piece of paper and put it in a box or jar (maybe decorate the box to make it look like an animal so it looks like it is eating the worries). Put the box away and only open at worry time, if at all.
Ask your child to either draw or picture their worry as something really silly and laugh at it – Harry Potter fans could think about the Riddikulus spell that banished the boggarts in the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Ask your child to picture their worry in a big bubble floating away.
DON’T deny how they feel
Young children may be emotionally immature and it can be very difficult for them to explain their feelings to you and understand it as worry. Many parents, while trying to rationally explain that the risks to their child are minimal, say things like “don’t be silly”, or “come on you are a big girl/boy now”. While the intention may be to encourage them to challenge their fears, the real experience for a child can be that the parent doesn’t understand and doesn’t care about their worries and is forcing them to do something that they feel afraid of.
Mrs Oldroyd
